Well, this is just like me. To sit on something for so long that friends, acquaintances and well-meaning peers have either a) given up, b) realized that nagging me to start the Thing wasnāt going anywhere and c) all of the above.
Ya ya, do I seem to be joining that bandwagon of using all this covid-19 ātimeā to do the Thing? Donāt let that fool you. Nothing of what youāre reading now has got to do with ātime to do the Thingā and everything to do with āanxiety with life, as we know, changing right before our very eyesā. Relatively, my trivial fears to putting my work out there doesnāt mean so much anymore. I care more about what I have to say and I donāt care who hears it. Because right now, more than ever, do we need to be there for each other. I believe it and feel it.
So, here goes.
BUT FIRST: Hereās what I spent over TWO years ruminating on, and what I have to show for it -
All my life, Iāve only ever known about shrinking, making excuses, and despairing about myĀ feelings. In moments of impassioned boldness, Iād declare that I would not apologize for them. They make me human, and I relished that (but only in pockets of quiet and privacy), much like right now in the wee hours of the morning on the 1st of April 2020.
How much feeling? So much. Iām the movie crier (or more like any beautiful piece of art crier), I will be the first to āfeel badā at something I have no logical reason feeling bad about. Iād want to āmake it rightā, so Iād correct myself into not feeling. I told boyfriends to not be reductive to my feelings. (They had to Google the word āreductiveā.)
Needless to say, these have been trying times for this self-proclaimed empath. Itās been hard; I cry a lot, I feel a lot, I want to do a lot so I give where I can and I settle for looking for pockets of gratitude and staring at the sunset from my window (while weeping about how I have a window. Iām a hoot, I promise you.).
I know; Iām painting a pretty picture.
I was very much a people pleaser and majorly conflict avoidant. That was hard to accept, but we can all change, and we definitely all have multitudes.
I wondered if these all-consuming feelings would ever come into handy one day. Iād find solace in the fact that soldiers in the World Wars were diagnosed as melancholic and that was an affliction. Arenāt we all in a war now? Weāve been told that this is akin to war - food rations, restricted movement, working together to fight the enemy. Maybe I have that malaise. Maybe I had aĀ problem. Is that why I wanted to be a writer? Why did I struggle in the mundane? What was I looking for?
My idealism took me nowhere, but right into a storm of lessons. Lessons I thought were DONE once we got to 2020 but heyooo 2020, arenāt you a right kick in the butt. Truth be told, I wouldnāt have been able to deal with this year without 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 lessons. Those were good lessons. Grateful for it, thank you for the rolling lessons in maturity but I hoped that was it and I would never voluntarily do it again. (spoiler alert: that was not it, but we donāt get a choice in this!)
Soā¦ whatās a Maemoji?
Well, Iām Maeā¦ and Iām about just as expressive as emojis are. I say enough with a face in lieu of a sentence.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a fan of the epistolary form of writing. Perhaps thatās why Iāve never gotten the courage to really send my work out into the world. I write long, impassioned emails and snail mail letters (always thanking the postman!) and I am one of those fools who believe itās a lost art. Thereās just only so much when it comes to pouring out a heartfelt opinion onto a page, meant only for the recipient to have and to hold. Needless to say, love letters are totally my jam and I miss writing them to people, and I miss being written to.
And just like a heartfelt letter, this newsletter will be something I want to give you with attention and affection. Iāll share my love for all the things that make me think and/or feel. (And also my love for alliteration and things that come in threes.)
This could be Feelings About Finance, or recommendations from Poetry, Podcast & Prose, or Baked Goods With Booksā¦ you get the idea.
But truly, most of the time, Iād want to share because I thought it was a lot of fun and Iād like you to join me in indulging on that fun.
š„°Ā
IG: @lynnegweeny | Twitter: @lynnegweeney | lynnegweeny@gmail.com
(Concept and creation of the MAEmoji logo by Sheen Tse Kuek Ser)